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Post by 23skidoo on Dec 17, 2007 15:39:03 GMT -5
Good evening friends, and heres another low down from the snowy streets of Malton.
The last week has seen me holed up with an odd collection of guys, bears, weregoats and octopi that go by the name of Malton Tours Inc. As well as being good eggs they also take sightseers around the hot, and not, spots of this damned city. I liked them, and I think they liked me; the goat was certainly not gruff with his tongue!
I had a chat with 'Baby Face' Nelson, notorious gangster from yesteryear who tried to sell me a bottle of hootch for way over the odds. When I told him prohibition had ended he nearly ate his tommy gun. he had a bad obsession with cops, living or otherwise but he wore his hat with style.
Also in the room were 2 of gods own lieutenants, Padre Romero and Pope Beligerent I. The pope was pretty chatty and his hat was kinda natty...but his thoughts were a little scatty. After a drunken ramble in which he blamed gay marriage for the zombie holocaust he told the viewers, kids and all, that god had moved on with his life and that we should do the same. It sounded plausible, then he peed on the goat and lost all credibility.
After a comatose silence the ever watchful Romero then unleashed a salvo of awesome alliteration that left less literate minds mashed in the maze of it's complex conundrums. It went right over my head but I was still damn impressed. The studio edited it out though as they felt it would melt many San Diegon brains.
I'll get you news of the bash as soon as I can fix my radio, but I'm sure it's all good. Never have such a collection of surrender monkeys been seen since the French took to the field in WW2.
Good night San Diego, may sweet dreams and hot women find you all.
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Post by 23skidoo on Dec 25, 2007 9:55:12 GMT -5
Christmas morning and I was hungry. Holed up in a junkyard near Nichols Mall I overheard 3 mafiaesque wise guys chatting. I couldn't catch it all but I did pick up something about following a S.T.A.R.S officer and the delivery of some Baby Cheeses. My stomach nearly flipped, I Love cheeses, especially the bite sized ones. The deal was apparently going down in the Nun NT in Pimbank so I thought I would slink ahead and get the drop on them. After a brief scurry I found the place and cracked my way in round the back. I searched pretty hard but came up with nothing other than a syringe, useful but not much good for an empty stomach. I was about to give up when I heard the strangest sound, a baby crying in a room downstairs. I crept close and had a peek. There were the 3 wise guys and in front of them were a couple with a new born baby. The guys were in awe, the mum full of love and the dad had a slightly suspicious look in his eye. 'What is this?' I asked, 'and where are the baby cheeses?' The woman looked at me, 'My name is Mary, and this is my baby, Jesus'. I slapped my head, this wasn't the first time I had followed a bum lead. At that point a bunch of people stepped out of the shadows, singing songs and lighting candles. 'Are you mad!?!' I exploded, but it was already too late. The noise had brought the dead and the barricades were already coming down. Before they could hit their first Hosanna the singers were toast. The wise guys put up a fight but were heavily outnumbered, The dad tried to fight back the horde and Mary fought like a dervish to protect her child. But it was no good, this fight was only going one place and I didn't want to ride that train. I dispatched the nearest zombies too me and was about to head out the window when I heard the mothers desperate plea. 'Please save my baby!' Mary was in pieces, literally, but somehow she had managed to keep the child clear of the claws. Cursing my conscience I leapt back into the fray, swinging my boom mike and grabbing the child. we crashed through the window and into the night, not looking back. Now I'm holed up in a school with a baby and I don't know what to do. I've got to find Ron, he'll have the answer. From me and the child, merry christmas Malton, may peace and good weapons find us all.
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Post by 23skidoo on Dec 29, 2007 16:21:05 GMT -5
Well my friends, this parenting lark is not all is cracked up to be. I tried to keep life simple, same as always. Scavenge, hide, help, dress smart, drink smart and broadcast. But this little critter is having none of it. I try to scavenge, he cries. I try to hide, he cries and shits. I try to drink, he tries to mooch a slug or two! All of my routines are interupted by tears and turds. At least if I was back in SD I could get the ladies cooing around me, maybe even take him off me for a while - but in Malton?! No chance. The people here look at him as something that could be eaten or used to plug a hole in the 'cades! But I cant give up on the little guy, fate brought us together and until I find Ron, nothing is going to tear us apart.
So think of me and the little fella San Diego, and pray we can make it through the next few days.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 3, 2008 17:05:26 GMT -5
Johnny Transcriber here, Channel 4's only zombie interpreter!
It seems that intrepid fool got himself killed but has managed to get a message through to us despite being 'dead'
It reads as follows....
'Oww, hurts to be dead. Stupid sumbitch for sleeping on an empty bottle of scotch. Headed for Ackland, rested outside and was killed again for my trouble. Trenchcoat mofo's, worse than bloody zombies. Screw Ackland, now going to Calvert, hopefully they are kinder up there and will not mistake my mike for a detached penis! I hear the Pitneybank scuffle is getting pretty spartan. Good luck you brave fools, may glorious death find you all in a drunken mood. This hurts my brain, the child is hungry, I cannot eat him. Signing out and hoping for humanity, the Information Minister'
...I had to ad-lib a little but I think I got the jist of it. If any of you Calvert veterans can help our guy then do. Just try not to stick the needle in the baby.
This has been Johnny Transcriber, Channel 4 News.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 7, 2008 14:58:36 GMT -5
All quiet on the Calvert front, I mean really damn quiet. None of these bastards will talk to me. I cant quite work it out but it seems like Channel 4 did a demolition job on this places rep a few years ago and they've never forgotten it. I admit it was once a bit of an old folks home and smelled of wee, but that was then, before the zombies came and ate the infirm. Now it's full of young blood and attitude, a little too much for my taste. The nurses here though, thats another story. One called Houlihan got me back on my feet, plugged a couple of holes and warmed up some formula for the baby. She sterilized the bottle using moonshine and that seemed to keep the little fella happy. I'll hang out here for a while, then I might go and try to find a few of Maltons legendary characters. I hear Uncle Zeddie has been broadcasting from the North West and Tovarisch is still out there doing the Obi Wan thing. In other news I'm hearing that the NMC and (quite) a few others are finally giving the Bash a kick in the barhahs. With over 320 in Morrish NT and a busy little mall next door it's going to be a hell of a time for all involved. Remember guys and galls, if you've been drinking and it looks like there are 3 zombies coming at you, always shoot the one in the middle. This is Information Minister and the Baby Jesus (Mk2) singing out from Calvert!
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 17, 2008 10:54:36 GMT -5
I've been in the wild again, trecking warily through Jenson and Dakerstown. Zombies aren't exactly thick on the ground but they still outnumber the living by a large margin. Sleep light, walk light, drink heavy has been my mantra for the past week. I bumped into a few familiar faces out here, Al Duck being one of them. He passed on some sage advise about avoiding worms and rape and showed me a way to distill rat juice into alcohol. It works but it's not a drink to start the party with. I had a chat with a guy called BoredBadger, a cape wearing lunatic that may have raised an eyebrow in a less devolved city. We discussed the Jesus child that I'm carrying and he pointed out that the little fella, historically, grew up to be the most famous of the living dead and was rumored to have started Necrotech with a guy called Judas. There are mixed reports on the success of the first revivification poultices. The point is I could be carrying the King of the Zombies around on my back. I once carried The King of the Gypsies on my back...but thats another story. I really need to find Ron and quick.
In other news, 'Bash Watch' is looking pretty peachy, with zombie butt getting well and truly creamed over at Giddings.
From us in here, to you out there - remember to burn your dead, don't let this madness happen again!
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 26, 2008 8:36:38 GMT -5
This reports coming to you from Whatmore NT in Yagaton, home of the YRC and a place held dear by many of the bold and the brave in Malton. After a fairly safe journey through Quarlesbank and West Boundwood I turned South for Yagaton. The NW is in reasonable shape, Calvert is still standing tall and Yagaton is fairly hot. If you're looking for some action there are worse places to be. The only downside to this building is the camera shy nature of the reviver. Sometimes I get people sticking everything and anything in front of the camera, it can be pretty unnerving I'm telling you. Then sometimes it the opposite, just a mass of nervous glances and loud silence. Personally, I don't get it. Next to Hooch and Cooch, what's better than fame? I'm getting unconfirmed reports of a change in our zombie behavior patterns. Apparently, as a result of the pasting they have been getting at Giddings a new fear has gripped them. Previously, as soon as the last of the cades were down those bitey little buggers would be in amongst us and chomping to their last. Now they cower at the door, skulking like dogs. The obvious downside is that it makes it harder to get the building secure again as they keep getting in the way, but their fear is encouraging and their lurching entertaining. Thats about all I've got for you today, I'm going to throw a couple of bowling balls down at the zed's and then get some shut eye for my red eye. You take care out there people.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 28, 2008 2:52:06 GMT -5
*60 Second Emergency Update!*
It's grim people, real f#@*$+g grim! The Whatmore is under heavy seige, 11 zeds inside right now against 20 or so brave souls. The battle rages to and fro and glory is almost as thick in the air as the blood is thick on the ground. The last major break in was repelled and this latest push will also be thrown back, but without bears and reinforcements the YRC may be looking for a temporary new home. If you've got the balls, if you've got the class, if you've got plenty of ammo and songs, then get over here and pitch like a bitch.
This was an emergency update from the Information Minister, doing what I can where I can.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jan 28, 2008 16:15:06 GMT -5
The situation in Yagaton is deteriorating fast. On the back of Blackmore falling, now it seems the end is nigh for Whatmore. The Militant Order of Barhah have slowly eroded the defenses and the wills of the survivors. I died at the hands of Xyu himself, and although I was quickly back into the fray the picture was bloody. 32 angry zombies lurking in the doorway, a flimsy set of shelves keeping the rest at bay and only 9 brave, battling bastards left standing. I kicked Xyu in his husky nuts and told him my bear would have his pecker for breakfast. But as my pistol ran out of bullets so my bravado ran out of steam. I made for the high ground but I will return. There is glory here, real, honest sticky glory. The type our grandpappys used to have in jars in the basement. So, if you can spare the time, saddle up those bears, dust of those cameras and get back in the action.
This is the Information Minister, in a bloody pickle, for Channel 4 News!
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Post by 23skidoo on Feb 5, 2008 4:41:50 GMT -5
The city shifts like the wind and all is changing again.
I have left Yagaton and the YRC safe in the knowledge that the Malton Rangers have rolled into town to lend a hand.
The bash finally broke the back of Giddings and Morrish, but long after any kind of victory could be called. We held them at bay for what seemed like an eternity and when the end finally came it felt as though the gods themselves had intervened. Perhaps Zeus was angry at Ron for giving one mall so much air time and felt we needed a push to get on to the next story. Whatever the reason, Pitneybank is yesterdays news; the Conch has been blown, the bears have been bridled and the Channel 4 boys are of to Santlerville to bring you new suits, fresh songs and gallons of Glory.
This new suburb is home to The Dribbling Beavers, only a step down the 'classy ladder' from our good selves. They drink hard, they sing loud and they dress well. I listened to Evils Presley on the radio for less than 5 minutes before I was considering man-love a viable evenings entertainment. Whether it was his words or his rhythm or just the scotch I don't know - and frankly I don't care. I believe Ron and Sexy Rexy Grossman have history and friendship that stretches back over the eons. The old ones talk of it in myth and ledgend, great deeds, great women, great suits - these are men that know how to look GOOD.There is a lot our groups have in common, for example, the name of our fair city, San Diego, was a derivative of the old Norse phrase 'Whales Vagina', and Dribbling Beaver pretty much speaks for itself.
So, this is the Information Minister, looking forward to the news I'll be bringing you over the next couple of weeks. Keep your eyes sharp, your ears open, your heart pumping and your glass full San Diego
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Post by 23skidoo on Feb 14, 2008 17:51:01 GMT -5
War does funny things to a man, things that you'll never learn in a book or hear about on the news. It makes you question the value of a human life and a bottle of scotch, it makes you realize that you're not all that you thought you could be and sometimes it sends a tinkle through your winkle when really you should be hiding your eyes and screaming.
But what can you do, wake up, shape up and drink up and hope you get the bastards before they get you! But even the grittiest and shittiest of us sometimes need to recharge the battery so this newsman's going to spend the next couple of weeks in Sexual Harrisons hot tub with a couple of cigars and a rubber nun. I'll fill you in when I get back.
In other news, Apocalypse Dan and Melody Arachne tied the knot tonight in a loving ceremony at St Christophers Church in Shearbank. The wedding was presided over by Padre Romero and Father Thomson, both good men that have buried more than their fare share of choir boys! The turn out was good considering half the wedding party, including Romero and the Groom had been gunned down hours before the gig was due to start. So Congratulations to you both, and remember the Mk 2 syringe for the honeymoon Dan, you'll be amazed at what those things can revive!
So that's it from me, to you, for now.
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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 1, 2008 13:04:33 GMT -5
Can't say it's nice to be back but back I am. The rubber nun deflated over a vigorous set of Hail Mary's and the genny ran out so the hot tub turned cold. Even my manhood wont stand up to much scrutiny after 30 mins in an icy bath, so I opted for the bloodbath that is Malton - and not a moment too soon!
After scratching around the ruins of Santlerville I headed West, drunk enough to pass myself off as one of the dead. The scene was pretty apocalyptic, crumbling buildings filled with crumbling souls surrounded by brain eating vultures from hell. To top off the madness, many of the survivors I spoke to were delusional, ranting about a place called Monroeville. They say that things are better there, no meddling scientists and lots of countryside to plant seeds in. I told them they were insane, and if they didn't get a grip they'd find a zombie planting a seed right up their delusional assholes. This city man, it'll mess you right up.
Anyway, I trekked on and finally made it to the sanctuary of the Whippey NT and met my old friend 'Red Panda'. He's a furry little fellow that covers most of our 'animal' related features, apart from the stuff we make Corningstone do to piss her off. We shared a bottle and a couple of cigars and now the world seems like a saner place again.
So I'll sign off, safe in the knowledge that the News Team is still bringing it to you, hot and steaming plates of truth served with a side salad of dignity and washed down with a cheeky little glass of integrity '69.
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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 12, 2008 13:41:08 GMT -5
This here is the Information Minister reporting once again from the Front Line!
To be fair, there are a lot of lines in Malton - front, back and diagonal, but my line is drawn at Stickling and it's currently drenched in Class and Gore!
What we have here has all the ingredients to make an epic. We've got a few lbs of good meat, a couple of chopped up heros and a liberal sprinkling of carnage. And newsmen, we have got a few bootiful newsmen running around, pepping up the troops, throwing back the hordes and generally making the other folks look less pretty. Dan Breen is in the mix, swarthing around and calling the shots and the Red Panda has been getting in the faces of any zombies dumb enough to open the door.
Talking of dumb, I've been witness to some of the cowardly acts of the PKer Alliances Pathetic Bill. The clue with this guy is in his title, and I aint talking about the Bill bit. I caught up with him and managed to squeeze a couple of words out of his yellow mouth before choking him with my boom mike. I'd like to say he had some kind of warped principles that led him but it was just the usual guff - being rejected by the family dog, not fitting into his mommy's clothes and having a small pecker. The Alliance themselves don't seem to stand up to much scrutiny either, basing their party line on the ravings of a dead guy with questionable dress sense. I can see why Bill chose them.
So, if you're at a loose end and have a lot of Faks and ammo, get your asses up to Stickling and help to hold that line!
This is the Information Minister, hiding valiantly behind a box in Stickling Mall.
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Post by ian on Mar 14, 2008 12:02:40 GMT -5
damn fine report son. It almost makes me want to put down this child and pick up my shotgun. Oh wait... this is my shotgun. Where the hells that baby?!
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Post by Marcel Rhodes on Mar 18, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5
Whoo, made it to Stickling! I count 143 zeds at the SW corner. Looks pretty safe, to be honest - only one break-in and a couple of close calls since I got here.
(Thing is, I've not been here that long...)
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