Post by Lachryma on Jun 13, 2007 15:06:17 GMT -5
magatsu said:
"
I'm gonna play a song about a zed named Dan, who thought he could eat the brain of every man, his soul was cold like the artic ice, and if you might cross him you better think twice.
No, this zed was a stone cold looner, who could most likely kill you with his booner, his smile is like the bombs over Iraq, who condems your soul, and leaves your body to dry, you'll lose your mind, thinking over your crimes, if you as much as peek in his eyes.
But Dan the zed would soon meet his end, at the hands of a former friend, who betrayed, and turned all harman, and blew Dans brain out, he was a 9 mm gooner.
In with these words i'll leave you to think, about your own sins, your own darkest moments,
'cause if you walk down that road where Dan once went, you'll only come to realise you've embraced your own end.
"
If you got suggestions for changes go right on ahead, it's not exactly a work of art
Icejedi is spot on. Each line should have roughly the same number of syllables as the line it rhymes with, to give it 'flow'. You might also think about a ABAB rhyme scheme, just for the hell of it.
And you should throw in some metaphors. About sunsets.