A Secret Made Public

Well - here it goes: I was in Maryland and my uncle wanted everyone to take a ride in his new boat. I noticed he had a beer in his hand, but I knew it was just about his starting time, so he wasn't completely trashed, yet. However, I had a terrible feeling - it was like in Final Destination, I saw the horror beforehand. So, we were getting on the boat and my uncle tells me to get on the inner tube, which kinda perpetuated my dread. So, I grabbed on and waited to get going and we went about 45 MPH, which was pretty cool, and came back. Then, as I was waiting to go again, my friend (Who's an awesome guy, but an evil asshole) got on with me. He pretty much straddled me, porn star style, which made things so much worse, but I decided to let it go for the time being. So, we get going again, doing 45 and he starts laughing, which I knew meant Hell was heating up a few more degrees for me. So, he starts spanking me - hard. After about 5-10 minutes of this, I forgot that I was the only one holding us on and started losing my grip before I could even shout, "Hey seriously, stop it, dickhead, I'm losing my grip!" to him and my swimsuit flew off and went about 1/4 mile down the lake. So, with that, he sees this and starts laughing his ass off and starts spanking me even harder. People nearby were doing cartoonish double-takes, seeing the sheer horror and homosexuality of what was transpiring. Remember when I said I was the only one holding us one? At about that moment, we hit a wake from the engine and Mike and I went flying through the air. His head collided with my nose, spewing blood everywhere, and my foot kicked him in the nuts. It wasn't over yet, though, as the final, most horrible blow of my life cracked me with the force of 100 Janet Renos. I didn't even know who I was at that moment. I then proceed to lose consciousness and a little while later, my family came around and one of them pulled me back into the boat. After we docked, I began to come to and sat there, half-conscious, suffering, and bleeding, waiting to be taken to the hospital. Now, let me ask you - how horrifying is that compared to being sore from swimming and running?