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Post by 23skidoo on Sept 22, 2007 7:25:59 GMT -5
H.o.l.l.o.m.s.t.o.w.n....an unassuming name for a suburb, not neccessarily going to make the top destination of any 'Rough Guide to Malton' edition, but a revelation none the less. After the usual bout of... 'can you say something for the C4NT?' 'anything?' 'it'll make you famous...people care' 'Ron will sleep with you...' 'Owwch, that was really sore' I discovered a little gem in Elvis Impersonator. Not only did this guy have the chat, he also had the voice, the hips and an appetite for fried banana sandwiches. If you think a generator will attract a zombie horde wait and see what wafts of pig fat and frazzled banana will do to them. So a big thank you to the King of the Jumpsuits, it's a little flashy for this dirty ole town but thats why we love him. Also, if your listening out there Mr Presley, you can drop the impersonater bit - you're the real deal! I was there in vegas back in 69, it's you all right, you cant shit a shitter! Shortly after our chat and with a couple of ballads still resonating in my ears, I left the building and headed North. Scarletwood was in trouble, and where theres terror and fear theres usually a good tale to be told. I'm holed up in a cosy little spot with a wandering minstrel and a cross dressing transvestite - it's complex, I'll try and get to the bottom of that one later. So keep praying for us viewers, from your living rooms and dens, keep sparing a thought for the brave and the dirty of Malton....and the King!
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Post by asshole doctor™ on Sept 22, 2007 9:53:20 GMT -5
whoa.
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Post by 23skidoo on Sept 23, 2007 3:18:08 GMT -5
I've made it to Scarletwood and I'm in love! Not with the suburb, it's a burnt out shithole, but with a young lady I set eyes upon today in a club. Whoa, I nearly broke my mike I was grabbing it so tight when she shimmered into my weary sight. Dr Kildare, she's a well dressed woman with a pearl necklace and a medical mind. I'm a bloodstained newshound that could do with a shower and a haircut, how can it fail? I'll keep you informed of my progress, so far I've laid a little groundwork by paying her some foolproof compliments and showing her my machismo by pushing a vending machine up against a broken window. By the time I get my 'press card' out she'll be putty in my hands....assuming she ever puts that shotgun down. In other news I spent the last night with a bonefide pirate - Redbeard - who, in a series of 'Yarrrrs' and ocean going curses told me he knew NecroTech were to blame for the outbreak and he would not set sail again until he had wiped the scurvey scouge of scientists from the face of the earth. Luckily my 'NT's love it when it's Stiff' badge was covered in gore otherwise this broadcast could have been coming from davey jones locker'. So, keep your hands on the trigger and your eyes on the cades and maybe the next time we talk I'll have got myself laid!
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Post by Tovarisch Khrushchev on Sept 23, 2007 4:20:25 GMT -5
Scarletwood you say!? Fancy that, I'm in town too! Maybe I could lend you a fresh suit and some product for your hair(its a mess comrade). Best of luck picking up your lady friend! When it all works out, I'll interview her to hear how good it was, then videotape it!
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Post by 23skidoo on Sept 27, 2007 12:42:08 GMT -5
The daze of late have been passing swiftly and sweetly. Although Dr Kildare and I have not managed to secure a date she did not shoot me down after my initial advance - an improvement on my average results. I have also been talking to a pirate of a different caliber from the paranoid sea dog I met a few days ago. This is a lovely lady pirate with a gift for humour and a face for prime time! After some initial thigh slapping and pirate banter she seems to sleep continually, but possibly we can continue our high seas high jinx at another time. I have made a good start on the forthcoming 'Married in Malton' series. I secured an exclusive interview with Maltons answer to Posh and Becks - or should that be Bonnie and Clyde? Both them and the Lady Pirate are members of a high octane cerebral group of miscreants you will all have heard of, their fame extends well beyond the confines of this infernal city. Of course I am talking about The Malton Angels, specifically Sam Cork and Mira Hart, Mr and Mrs Cork to you out there. Stay tuned for the interview, it'll alter your beliefs on the sanctity of apocalyptic love for ever. On another note, I welcome with scotch and good cheer the company of two of the news teams finest, Tovarisch and Someguy. Tov was responsible for the groundbreaking 'I married my daughters zombie nanny' and the award winning follow up 'Divorce and Decomposition - a tragedy of our times'. Someguy is new to the team but has been drunk in charge of a camera on 3 seperate occasions in his first month so he looks like a keeper. So thats all from Malton today viewers, and remember, when you shower....think of me.
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 4, 2007 7:48:42 GMT -5
I apologize for the break in transmission - it's been a hell of a time staying alive lately and thats just trying to keep up with the news team drinking games!
After a relatively calm period around the Angell building I found myself embroiled in a warehouse siege. It was touch and go for a while but we seemed to be getting the upper hand. Only 4 zeds were left inside and the bookshelves we put across the windows seemed to be keeping the others at bay. I reloaded my pistol and put a fresh battery in the camera and just as I swung into action - there she was! Dr Kildare burst through an upstairs window, rolled down a staircase and came up shooting. Her hair was perfect, her pearl necklace glistened and her aim was true. One zombie went down in a heap, another was on its way. I thought my heart would burst with joy...and then it did, only with buckshot. As I had taken my eyes off the ball to watch this perfect form a snake in the grass had put both barrels to my spine. Her stethoscope was the last thing I remember.
After a brief time in the wild I was returned to my some time classy self and managed to create a little snuff montage with Someguy on camera and Tov taking care of the actioneering. I also finished my interview with the Harts and said a few sad farewells as I had business in Pole Mall - the shop owners claim that Clapton Mall has been built on top of their SW corner and aren't happy!
Keep them Happy thoughts coming folks - Malton needs them more than ever.
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 11, 2007 10:26:31 GMT -5
All kinds of crazy have been going on of late viewers, none more so than meeting none other than Ed Harken IN THE FIELD! To some of you young uns out there Ed's name probably means nothing more than than a guy on the credit reel at the end of the news. A desk jockey some would say, a man who's day has past and that has broadcast his last. Well prepare to be educated, for Ed has done things that made Zeus cry and Odin shy.
After a brief stint at Channel 2 (nobody's perfect), Ed moved to Channel 4, then a fledgling news station, adrift in a sea of mediocrity and sleaze, desperately in need of an anchor(man). His first report was on Queen Victoria's visit to San Diego to gather support for her war on the Zulu nations of Africa. Ed's hard nosed questioning and rugged good looks resulted in her going home empty handed - Ed was a quarter Zulu - and full wombed. The child was birthed in secret and raised by the German side of the family. Young Adolph was not the 1st of Ed's kids to go off the tracks, but possibly the most infamous. Ed was also the guy that stopped Godzilla using only a boom mike and a studio lighting rig, he invented the modern optic in an attempt to regulate his drinking and recently beat Tiger Woods in a pro-am tournament in Boston. I could go on all day but I dint want to detract from my own heroics, but Ed, it's good to see you back IN FRONT of the camera man. So apart from that viewers, the usual. Fighting, running, barricading and bringing soft light into the dark corners of Malton. The Angels have gotten a hold on their base, the Channel 4 guys are looking good and smelling fine and the Forts are still full of vermin and cowards. I'll be back on air soon, so until then, shed a tear and raise a glass to the one and only, Ed Harken.
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 15, 2007 7:23:27 GMT -5
when I was a young buck the only wars I got involved with were ratings wars. I had long hair, wore a caftan and had 'make love not war' tattooed on my johnson. Those days are gone now, as is my pecker - damn those infectious bites! I don't go looking for trouble but it sure seems to keep finding me these days. I'm in Perryn, but for how long, who knows. For the last couple of days I've had to endure whining cries of 'there's 10 zombies outside!' and 'the gatehouse has been broken into!' Shock and horror over what? I've had good days that were worse than what these piss ants were crying about. Still, another few hours and I'd be out of here, restocked and glad to see the back of the place. And then they came, a trickle, a flood, an ungodly tsunami of tooth, claw and stinking breath. I don't know who fled and who bled but when I woke up the Fort was a fucking mess. The gatehouse was ruined, groans were everywhere and zombies were thick on the ground. I've tried to reclaim the gatehouse, me and a couple of others nearly did it but the effort was not shared. It's late, we're tired and if I see one more coward crying for his mommy I'm going to pop him myself. When the next wave comes it'll probably be my last. They said the forts would hold, they said they were safe. Just goes to prove that those fools say a lot of things. Be safe viewers, and pray this scourge never escapes the city walls..... they say it can't be done...
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 18, 2007 15:19:03 GMT -5
It's been a rough couple of days my friends, lost in a wilderness of bad hair and cravings for brain. Luckily my newshounds nose dragged me back to the familiar turf of the Angell building, I think it was the 'scents' I marked out on all the walls before I left.
I'm back amongst friends although trouble and strife are still just beyond the barricades. The Corks are here, as are Tov, Ed and Someguy. And the lovely Lady Pirate is still here, singing songs, drinking fuel and making grown men blush.
I'll have to move on soon, I'm out of ammo, first aid, needles and golf clubs. Theres a rumour going around that the driving range over in Buttonville is open 4 business again and I could do with a little work on my swing.
So it's another big thank you to a group of men and women that have encouraged me to keep filming, keep asking and keep reloading them guns - what else are we gonna do?
I salute you Angels and I love you C4NT's.
This is the Information Minister signing out until next time.
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 20, 2007 10:51:24 GMT -5
A grim day, the Angell building fell, my comrades are either on the ground or looking kinda dead and I had a tough decision to make. Stand and fight, once I got a revive, or continue the search for the story. I'm meant to be getting the bigger picture of Malton by looking in the small, forgotten places. The Angel's did fine before me and I'm sure they'll be drunk and rowdy soon after I'm gone. So I'm off, scuttling through the belly of South Malton, and already I've bumped into my scientifically offended pirate friend and Elvis 'the real/meal deal' Presley. Small town or what. I'm in the sports store at Buckley looking for a 4 iron and a box of balls - a C4NT reporter should never be short of Balls, thats what Ron always said! So the paths new and the stories are fresh, and you'll be brought all you can stomach over the next few weeks my friends. So stay tuned, stay safe and, for you ball swingers out there, stay hard!
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 24, 2007 9:01:58 GMT -5
WoW, and I mean WoW! I've always looked up to Ron, I mean, He's the Man. You want advice on hair, mahogany, scotch, jazz flute, dogs, threads or guns, He's the man to speak to. But I just met someone that managed to cast a shadow over Rons perfect hair and well sculpted guns! I was sitting in a bar in Buttonville, run by the 3rd Waye. They're a pretty hard drinking group but cant spell for shinola. So I've just knocked back a Knob Creek when I feel a draft at my back as the doors open. My ears stand alert as a pitch perfect 'SNAP' of the fingers fills them, then are relaxed by a luxurious
'Ehhhhhhhhhh'.
All around me girls are flicking hair, checking their make up or being held a little tighter by their guys. I start to turn around and see a leather clad arm hit the side of the broken Prince box. As my eyes pan back the sound of Buddy Holly starts to fill the bar. In front of me now stands this short, but perfectly formed Italian American, The Fonz! He's wearing a leather jacket, white t-shirt, jeans and biker boots, but what gets me most is his hair. How can anyone survive in this city with hair that looks soooo good. I gather my wits and my camera and head over.
IM - 'Hi there, Channel 4 News, I was wondering what sort of product you used on your hair?' TF - 'Ehhhhhhhhhh!' IM - 'Have you ever heard of Ron Burgundy?' TF - 'Ehhhhhhhhhhh!' *accompanied by 2 thumbs up* IM - 'Is there any chance I could borrow one of these ladies?' TF - 'Ehhhhhhhhhhh!' *2 thumbs down* IM - 'Is there anything you'd like to say to the folically challenged out there Mr Fonzerelli?' TF- 'Milwaukee Rocks!'
At this point The Fonz took his entourage into his 'office', although i had used it as a mens room earlier, I kept that to myself. So Ron, if you're out there, that head of your may have a little competition. So be careful before you step out the door in future.
The rest of my week has been spent on the driving range, swatting balls and zombies of the roof of a tower block. It's theraputic, and zombie testes are not as aerodynamic as I had imagined! On a final, serious note, I met 'smellysoccermum' in Kynch Heights. She's doing ok and wants the team to know that she'll probably miss training this sunday but will hopefully be ok for the following week.
Lets hope that goes for all of us too!
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Post by Magatsu Taito on Oct 24, 2007 9:20:38 GMT -5
This Rangers sends his best for those of the News Team that are still out there doing what News Teams are meant to do. I have long been an admirer of your sharp journalistic skills, good looks, and tolerance to alcohol. News Team I salute thee!
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 25, 2007 0:10:16 GMT -5
We have a quick break in trasmission viewers to bring you an update on things Non Malton!
As many of you know fires have been raging to the East of our fair city causing mayhem, panic destruction and such. I know as San Diegoans we fear no fire as Posiedon will protect us. But just because we have the love of the gods is no reason not to protect the heathens on our borders. Channel 2 and 9 have both been covering the story, but here at Channel 4 we've decided to get a little more proactive. Ed Harken has just acquired a fleet of Huey's and 64 kegs of beer. The whole news team are going to drink their bladders full, fly out of the sun to Wagner and piss that goddam fire back into the ground. At Channel 4 we dont take the piss, we ARE the piss.
Reports from Malton will continue shortly.
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 29, 2007 8:00:10 GMT -5
Still in the field, still in the dark!
I spent a couple of nights in Krinks Power Station and felt like I'd slipped into Dr Frankensteins wet dream. The mad bastards in white coats were trying to power toasters, microwaves and electric shavers from the eroding brains of zombies. I don't really get the technology but they seemed to think that by shoving copper wires into every orifice and hooking them up to kites they could raze a kilowatt or two. 300 zombies lay frazzled in a heap, their net worth - a single piece of burnt toast! These were savages, not scientists. I told them they were mad and that these zombies deserved better than this elastic-trickery. But there minds were lost to this madness we call Malton. I left them to their deranged tinkering and apologised as I freed the 'still to be connected' zombies from the cages - it seemed like the right thing to do. I wasn't sure what to do next so I sat down in Crazey Towers and took a little snifter of scotch. Then I heard it....I shook my ears a little and stared at my hip flask...surely not...then I heard it again, the conch...The Conch! By all that is holy and can be purchased on QVC I never thought I would hear that noise again. I put my head to the cades and listened to the growing wind....ron is back it whispered, Ron is Back it proclaimed, RON is BACK it roared! And so would I be, back with the team, drinking, filming, filming us drinking, drinking while filming and making San Diego proud! Scarletwood, here we come!!!
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Post by 23skidoo on Nov 3, 2007 11:42:56 GMT -5
As the News Team get busy outside of Malton it appears that our apocalypse crew inside the city are also mobilizing. The biggest news of course is the return of Ron, more of which later. Because the feeds have been coming through thick, hard and fast, we’re utilizing the new fangled digital technology that Ed left a cheque for. Press the red button on your remote viewers and pick one of the following exciting coverages...
1. Man Down – Information Minister discovers 3 of the News Team down, but not out, in the Seally NT, Scarletwood 2. Love is Reel – Our man with the mike come face to martini glass with the light of his life – Dr Kildare. 3. Ranger Danger – A few words with some of Maltons finest warriors 4. Burgundy and Beyond – What does it mean for all of Maltons citizens, living and otherwise, now that the Count of Class, The King of Swing, The Tsunami of Poonani has returned.
If the story does not commence immediately do not be dismayed, this is new stuff we’re playing with and there may still be a fly or two in the ointment.
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