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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 23, 2008 3:22:14 GMT -5
Christ kid, I'm sorry if this report brought you out to Stickling.
Things were okay, we seemed to be holding the line. Now it's a ruin, bodies everywhere and a revive queue thats longer than my Johnson.
I'd like to tell you I saw the bastards, name some names, but it happened real quick. I was sober and conscious one minute, passed out in my own vomit the next. All I know for sure is that the mall has fallen and Ron's blown the Conch up in Yagaton.
So patch up that waistcoat newsman, run a comb through your hair and get back to where the stories and hearts are breaking!
This is the Information Minister, rolling back the stones of false reporting and resurrecting the truth!
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puma6374
New Member
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Posts: 34
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Post by puma6374 on Mar 27, 2008 18:22:43 GMT -5
im at santlerville defending downey mall 300+ zeds outside help would be appreciated
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 3, 2008 9:02:47 GMT -5
Damn, getting a lot of freaky cross-over on this line. Back when I was covering the cold war, paranoia would have been gripping my man bags by now and whispering all kinds of nasty in my ear. These days, everybody's out to get me so paranoia's a thing of the past.
They say you're a long time dead, and you'd better be listening to that young ones, and that's how it's been. I got hit in the North, went down snoring, real classy, and had a long shuffle before some good samaritan stuck me in the neck. As luck would have it I'd made it to Caiger on a good day, lots of people, not so many zeds. But as always, the story was just around the corner.
The Dead are coming, tomorrow, yeasterday, the next day...soon, everyone seems to agree on soon. Panic is in the air but thankfully it's not in the pants yet. I've seen Redwave and Spencer J of the Aardwolf Rangers, so thats encouraging. Good men, strong livers! If this place is going to make a stand (again) worthy of a song then we need folks like them.
I'll keep the camera rolling and the words flowing and if you're at a loose end maybe you can come and be my wing man.
This is the Information Minister, batting the truth like Babe Ruth from Caiger Mall.
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 9, 2008 14:41:43 GMT -5
Caiger, again, is down.
Latrobe fell yesterday, the South East crumbled today, and with over a hundred stinking carcasses eating there way through the joint it's only a matter of time.
Once again we outnumbered them, probably about 3 to 1, but what are numbers when your counting chickens? Squat, thats what.
I'm going out swinging with the ULC, or is that singing? Probably both, and why not! I'll make them pay for every concession stand and escalator they take. When you eat my brain zombie you'll do it by climbing over the mountain of your brothers that lay strewn before me!
Stand tall Men of Malton, don't go quietly into the night. Swagger and Drink and Brawl with Glorious abandon, for that is what makes us who we are.
This is the Information Minister for Channel 4 News, keeping it classy at Caiger in the face of imminent death.
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 21, 2008 11:16:06 GMT -5
From one great institution to another, I found myself at Nichols Mall, preparing again to rebuff the ravenous hordes. Whilst perusing the usual retail outlets that one is used to seeing in the Malls of Malton, I stumbled across something quite different. The Kilt Store - a shop that sells skirts for women and men. Being an open minded sort of guy I investigated further and discovered that in a country far away from San Diego, called Scotland, the men and women paint their faces in woad, refuse to wear under garments and swathe themselves in brightly coloured wraps made of heavy wool called Kilts!
The salesman, Dick Mizgala, sized me up for a cheeky purple number as the Kilt Store Owner told me a little about the operation. It seemed pretty slick and egalitarian and I had to admit I was impressed, both with the outfit and the Kilt. I finally understood what Mel Gibson was on about when he shouted 'Freedom!'. My balls were swinging in the wind and I couldn't be happier.
Later that day I was exposed to an altogether different side of these retail warriors. The cades, after much battering, finally came down and the hordes swarmed in. As usual there was much panicking and shooting of guns. But amidst the chaos came a colourful layer of order as the Kilt Store Owner and his Employees formed a line between the advancing horde and the fleeing citizens. I could see Zimon in the centre of the line, flanked by, amongst others, Wasabee and Goolina.
I was confused, they had no weapons, both hands were busy grabbing the bottom of their kilts. Then, at an unspoken command, the whole company hoisted their kilts above their heads and gave the dead an explicit view of what being a survivor is all about. I was in awe, the zombies were in a rout, crying, covering their eyes, reaching for their shriveled manbagz.
It wasn't enough to save the mall, but gave a lot of people time to get out that would otherwise have fallen.
I've seen a few hero's in this town, but never standing in line with skirts on. So raise a glass to Nichols Mall and the brave men and women of The Kilt Store.
ps - Goolina, I managed to avert my eyes from your particular show. I just thought you'd like to know theres still some decency in this decrepit town.
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Post by Lord Wulfgar on Apr 21, 2008 19:08:26 GMT -5
Great report as always.
A Kilt is a fine thing and those Kilt Store guys are a fun bunch from all I've seen.
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 26, 2008 8:48:58 GMT -5
I'd decided that after the exertions of back to back Mall-fare this reporter need a little R & R and so I headed south to my favorite suburb, Scarletwood, and one of my favorite bunch of friends, Malton Angels. If it's true what they say about Scarletwood being the Paris of the South then the Angels must be Nu-Dadaists. I don't know if thats as clever as it sounds in my head, but I've been drinking a lot of scotch since I got here and my IQ seems to be rocketing. Apparently scotch comes from Scotland too, not just kilts - who knew! These men in skirts just get better and better in my bleary eyes. I'm not going to go on about Dr Kildare either, it's too painful. I passed through the Garniss building, and there she was, flawless as always, busy doing something heroic, but I just kept on moving. I'll hang out with Tova and Nikolai and the Angels and stay drunk and sing songs and party until it's time to move on. I'll probably get a slap from the Lady Pirate too, but what does she expect with these boots on! On a more serious note, Baxter, Ron's faithful dog, has been missing for well over a month now. He was last seen in the North, following bear tracks and playing the guitar under a full moon. But since then, nothing. So if you're out there Baxter, or if anyone has any information about you, let hear it! Thats it for now friends, keep your guns loaded and your humour sharp and I'll hopefully see you soon.
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Post by 23skidoo on May 18, 2008 15:42:34 GMT -5
It is with a heavy heart and weary head that I bring this latest report to you. I apologize for any seeming tardiness on my part, it's been a while since the last words left my mouth. But not without reason friends, not without a damn shame of a reason.
Ron Burgundy is dead! Thats right, this isn't some bad joke on the teleprompter, this is the real deal, as seen with my own bleary eyes.
About a fortnight ago Ron informed us all that he had grown too classy for this town, indeed this world, and that Odin was sending a long ship from Valhalla to collect his sweet soul. He didn't want us grieving though, or down or even sad. He wanted us drunk and singing and fighting with glorious excess. He wanted us back at the Bear Pit, dousing ourselves in scotch and loose morals and giving him the send off he deserved.
His body was carried in a glass case of emotion, floating in 3 fingers of Glen Livet. Red Panda had the case on his back, led in by Tova and flanked by Tarj, Dan Breen, Newhill and Nickolay. The rest of the news team danced and wailed in the wings like well groomed dervishes.
Tightrope said a few slurred words and Densetsu read out a telegram from Ed Harken, who apologized for his absence, explaining that his son had been arrested for heckling the Pope at an open mike event!
Many good people came and paid their respects, all of which was caught on film by our lowly cameraman - DVD available for only $15.99. After all was said and done, Comrade Tova took the torch and set Ron alight. As the smoke filled the air I have to tell you, he smelled good, I mean really good - Burgundy Joss Sticks available for only $4.
Finally it was done, his spirit soared through the ventilation shafts and into the boudoir of Odin's wives. As the fires died down many claimed to have heard the sex dripping sound of the jazz flute, others the howl of an abandoned dog. Me, I heard that velvet voice saying for the last time,
'You Stay Classy Malton'
You stay classy too Ron, and keep those pancakes warm for us.
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Post by 23skidoo on May 27, 2008 15:27:25 GMT -5
After the party was over, darkest grief consumed me. I remember nothing, only running south in my underwear and firing my pistols at anything that moved. I fell, a lot, and cried and lost myself in high octane emotional outbursts. It could have been the end of me but fate had something different in store.
Just as I cracked my head on rock bottom, a vision sashayed into sight. Red dress, red shoes, black coat and skin the colour of a White Russian pulled straight out of an iceberg. My eyes popped and my tongue lolled as clarity slowly crept back into me. I may have embarrassed myself here but she forgave me and talked sweetly to me and combed my hair the way I always wish Ron would have done.
Marilyn Valentine may well have saved my career, and for that I will be eternally grateful. If any of you news hounds see her out there in the wilds, hands off! I saw her first!
So now I'm back in the fray, fighting out of the Giraffe House at the zoo, and thanking Zeus that theres still a little ink in the barrel yet.
We may have lost Ron, and maybe a little focus, but you can bet if theres a story to be told there'll be a C4NT to behold.
Until next time, keep the barricades up and the zombies down.
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Post by 23skidoo on May 31, 2008 10:43:37 GMT -5
This report comes straight to you from the front lines of Stanbury Village.
They say that Nichols Mall and Stanbury Village is to Ridleybank what Minas Tirith and Gondor were to Mordor. I dont know where these other place are but 70% of the time 'they' are right 100% of the time.
For weeks now the brave men, women, animals and kilt wearers of Nichols have been keeping Ridleybank tamed, the Blackmore populated and generally throwing back all who shambled against them.
But now that tide is turning, the RRF have returned and Blackmore is dark again. Went NT is taking a beating although the cause is not yet lost. The dead pile up against the white walls of the mall, sometimes breaking through, but so far with no major success.
The News Team have been asked to assemble here if they can so we'll make sure you catch the action before it catches you.
I met Ed Harken in a few blocks to the north. When asked for his summation of the situation he had this to say.
'Get that f*&%ing mike out of my face you son of a bitch and help me kill these damn zombies!'
Ed, what a kidder, classy as always!
So stay tuned and stay safe Malton. This is the Information Minister in Stanbury Village.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jun 12, 2008 10:01:13 GMT -5
The News Team are STILL at Nichols!
The hordes are thicker than Rons Johnson and the situations tighter than Veronicas... as I was saying things are bloody and messy and getting uncivilised and sometimes I forget that sensitive ears may be listening. Forgive my crudeness, but as we've said before, war does funny things to a man and the lines sometimes get blurred.
So far we're standing tall and strong. Our cameras are in use almost as much as our hairspray and shotguns. Tempers occasionally flare though and just yesterday, like the first ever simian to weild a club, Newhill discovered there was more to beer than just drinking when he cracked a bottle off the head of a zed in the head, if you catch my drift.
The Kilt Store has been celebrating it's first birthday all through this seige and sucking the helium out of their baloons has sure helped the time pass quickly. Quelling a breakin when your vocal chords are doing Michael Jackson on speed takes some beating.
We've been hearing reports of a dark cloud on the horizon though. The horde that sacked Caiger and Ackland Mall's is now heading this way. This is not confirmed but comes from some fairly classy people. But this News Man is not worried, Caiger was corrupt and Ackland abandoned before they fell. Nichols is shiny, full of men and women who have been forged in the heat of battle and will not go quietly into the night! We are giants in kilts with the blood of truth on our hands and the smell of justice on our lapels. If this sounds like you, and you're not here, get here, because we wanna be on you!
Bring it on.
In other news, The Malton Rangers, with an assist by the DHPD, have retaken Caiger Mall and the Latrobe NT. Thats one in the eye for you Zombie. There are eye witness reports that suggest both buildings were retaken by a Lone Ranger but that seems a little ridiculous even to me, and I've seen it all.
Untill next time friends, keep your aim tight and your pants loose.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jun 17, 2008 9:53:07 GMT -5
This report comes to you far from the savage land that was Nichols Mall.
Those bastards tricked us, let us feel that parity was the name of the game. You have the NT, we'll have the NT. Back and forward it Went like some Victorian parlor past time that didn't involve spanking. There was an equilibrium seldom seen in the wars between Man and Beast. And we were content, glory was everywhere and we looked good.
Then came Friday 13th, then came LUE, then came the sobering wake up call that zombies have little class and care nothing for the dance. They broke us down, pouring through the walls as were pouring the Glenlivet. Before dawn it was over, tooth and claw triumphed over suit and jaw. Amongst the carnage I heard tales of some of the Ridleybank locals engaging in a barn dance in the upper left corner - this heartens me, perhaps there is a small scrap of hope for the living and the dead.
For now I'm licking my wounds and anything else my tongue can reach. The News Team are scattered, as it should be. We're not a one suburb station, we're Channel 4 Dammit, we're part of the soul of this city and we'll continue exposing ourselves to you for as long as it's legal.
Keep you're eyes on the road, your hands on the steel and shut them damn doors behind you.
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Post by winka on Jun 17, 2008 14:35:36 GMT -5
*averting eyes from the Minister* My god.... man put on some pants ! Hanging around with all those Kilt people have just given you way too much freedom of Information.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jul 11, 2008 10:47:18 GMT -5
As Ole Blue Eyes once sung, 'The end is near'.
I'm not sure but I feel my final curtain may be just round the corner folks.
I'm trying to lie low right now, after my promotion to Co-Anchor I discovered it involved deadlines, random drug tests and much more exposure than I'm comfy with to a number of potential paternity suits. I used to think that was just something you wore when you had a kid but I've discovered, to my cost, it's a whole different bag!
Theres a big story coming up, one that could do for me what a certain Panda did for Ron many years ago. I'm going to interview the new Papa of the RRF, face to face, in a venue of his choosing. I'm not so crazy as to go in there with just my boom mike for back up though. A few brave volunteers have signed up for the job, knowing that their lives and my reputation could well be on the line...whats that Marcell, I never mentioned the heavy threat of death when I asked you...hmmm, I thought I covered that, hey ho.
So thats on the horizon, but afterwords, who knows. Many of the News Team have gone to ground, only a handfull answered the call. I dont blame them. It was easy to fall into the gaping chasm that Rons departure left. Maybe this is it after all, one last newsworthy hurrah and then glorious oblivion at the bottom of a bottle.
Stay tuned people, it'll be big.
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Post by 23skidoo on Jul 23, 2008 6:50:40 GMT -5
Heres the scoop people, the contracts have been writ and claws have been shaken.
You've heard of the Rumble in the Jungle, you've seen the Thrilla in Manilla, but nothings going to prepare you for the 'Spank in the 'Bank'.
Yours truly will be going head to head with Moloch in the depth of bandit country, Moggridge PD. This Saturday at 2100gmt I'll be verbally sparring with the latest, and some say greatest, Papa of the RRF. I'm going to jab him with jibberesh, hook him with haughtyness and clobber him with classiness...and put in a few thought provokers too.
It's an open house, full of dark and hungry souls, so if you want a ringside view be sure to book early. I could really do with the backup.
The rules, such as they are, are simple. Do not power up the building, do not barricade the building, do not stop faking me if the hosts get a little bitey. Heckling is acceptable as long as it's funny and comes down on Moloch's head/horn, killing will be frowned upon.
If it all goes well there will be a free bar and grill outside afterwards. I said we'd bring the beer, Moloch said he'd take care of the food.....
If you cant make it, be sure to tune in afterwards for the edited highlights. I'm pretty sure I'll be looking good.
And finally, to any of you C4NT's out there, wondering what the point of it all is. It's the story man, always has been, always will be. So get off your mannequins and get down with the sickness.
Moggridge PD, 26th July, 2100gmt.
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