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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 9, 2009 11:45:08 GMT -5
Help me Jeebus, I was lost in the wilderness and I do not want to go back!
For many days I have wandered, lonely as a cloud. I was a hack without a voice, a drunk without a bottle, a man without hope of an errection. Darkness seemed to prevail.
I know nothing of what has been happening in Malton these past 3 months and cared not a jot. But I was wrong to give up on this town, I see that now. I stumbled blindly but was somehow guided back to Beaver Towers. It was a wreck, like me, but in its salvation then maybe I can find my own.
With hope, or something that smelled like it, rekindled in my heart I shambled to Ackland and whined like a puppy untill they stuck a needle in my neck. I stopped by the harware shop and grabbed some duck tape, 2x4's, a mop and bucket and some mahogany polish and headed back to the office.
It's not quite open for business, a bit like me, but we're getting there.
So twist your dials in my direction Malton and be ready for the news.
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Post by Marcel Swann on Mar 10, 2009 17:09:38 GMT -5
I just now discovered this broadcast, thanks to winka. Thanks, winks, this is great stuff. I'm tuned in now.
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Post by Noah on Mar 10, 2009 17:35:22 GMT -5
Glad to see you back, Skidoo. We lost quit a few these past few months but the NMC is kinda like the mafia in that when you thought you was out we pull you back in.
We're not like mafia though in that the mafia is usually sober.
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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 13, 2009 9:13:28 GMT -5
Here's whats happening in your city Malton
The Kilt Store Owner in Nichols Mall says
"The great news from The Kilt Store is that thanks to the quality of our fine products The Kilt Store is recession-proof. There's no economic downturn for us and in fact we have increased sales and hired new staff to keep up with demand for our services. And we still have openings yet to be filled! Come by to see our newly arriving Spring fashions."
Sterling work there Jock, keep it up.
Marcel Swann of the Malton Rangers had this to say.
"If we were doing anything *other* than drinking and killing zombies, then that would be news. OK, OK, one might ask *where* we are drinking and killing zombies. The answer would be SE Malton, although tomorrow it might be NW Malton, because in this organization we believe that if you're not moving, then you're just standing still."
Damn right Ranger, hold that fracking line!
Rohanzap of the newly formed Tricell Pharmaceutical Company told us this...
"We are currently operating out of Foulkes Village and are trying to set up some survivor protection schemes."
...before passing out with a bottle of ether in his hands.
My good friend and mentor, Tova, has gone all bearded and hermit, moving into the wild to report from the frontiers. Hopefully he'll stop killing the savages long enough to keep us updated.
Hardcore Rockabilly of the illustrious 'Axes High' has been keeping his blade sharpe and wet whilst helping to increase that groups membership. Keep 'em swinging old boy!
Scarletwood, home of the Angels and the Garniss Border Patrol, is holding strong and proving that beauty and brutality can dance hand in hand.
Beaver Towers is lit and looking none too shabby, thanks to the efforts of our own Winkalt and Trish Takanawa and the 'drenched in blood' blonde, Mercedes01, of the Knights of St Jude.
Thats all for now Malton, more updates to follow. Untill then, stay close to the liquer cabinet and keep your eyes on the cades!
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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 23, 2009 10:14:56 GMT -5
Keeping the news fresh even if nothing else is, here's another roundup from the city that always shrieks!
Sexual Harrison (ret) of the QSG had this to say when questioned, "Get that damn camera out of my face Newsboy or I'll ram this old xmas tree right up your ar". Unfortunately we lost power right at that point but I think we all know where he was coming from.
Captain Boss of the 41st Death Commandos told me that they are holding Crowbank firmly and bringing the pain to zeds in the surrounding areas. I once served with the 69th Love Commandos but thats a story for the 10 o'clock news I think.
Winka tells me that Ackland is gone, but the Nix NT in Barville is up and running.
Beaver Towers is still a shining light to all, but the News Team are moving out to spread the truth to the heartless heathen masses. The fact that said masses were beginning to pile up on our doorstep had no bearing on this decision what so ever. None at all.
This broadcast is sent to you with the help of the Malton Zookeepers and their electric eel powered transmitter.
Stay classy you beautiful people, and all the rest of you, just make sure you stay out of our light!
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Post by 23skidoo on Mar 30, 2009 9:29:55 GMT -5
It's been a heady week of tartan blankets, fairy cakes and cress sandwiches, gallons of scotch and gin and the company of the oddest assortment of animals ever to run a zoo! Our biggest bestial thanks to all the Malton Zookeepers, it wouldn't have been the same without you!
That's right, the first ever News Team Annual Picnic at the Zoo was a great success and left us all in need of new brain cells and bigger pants. A small price to pay I say.
The only dark moment was when the Giraffe house was breached and a few of our leggy friends fell by the wayside. The death of a giraffe is doubly tragic as they are so tall they have to wait for ages while the zombies eat their way up to their heads. Tova was especially upset as he had a stuffed giraffe toy when he was a child.
On an evolutionary note, Trish performed the first ever rhyming report for the News Team. Quite phenomenal!
But now we've folded up our blankets and put the paper plates in the recycling bins and are heading off to Alner Mansion for our AGM. Ed's booked us the 'Le Broomcloset' room for the week. I dont know any french people but that sounds pretty grande to me - Thanks Ed!
We'll be getting dressed up, talking about important things that matter and then eating a feast that I will prepare with my own fine hands.
Hopefully we'll see some of you shareholders there.
Until then, try not to let the dead hear your rumbling bellies and smell your boozy breath.
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 6, 2009 15:30:55 GMT -5
As things go swimmingly at the mansion I hear grim news from the south. Dan 'The Man' Breen arrived from the edge of Nichols Mall only to tell us that the Mall, and now Went NT, have fallen to the RRF. What with the flesh eating dead and the recession, things are pretty tough for our friends in the Kilt Store.
Up here though, it's all swell! We've eaten real food, broke open 'Rons Secret Cellar' and quaffed heavily and we seem to be getting on with the locals...although a few of them have their eyes a little close together for my liking.
A representative of the Malton Street Patrol joined us for a short while and explained that his group, who live in the mansion, were a little intimidated by our glorious outfits and professional standing. We think we've put his mind at rest, literally. Hopefully when he comes round he'll remember all the appeasing things we said to him. He may be a little pissed however when he looks in the mirror and sees what Winks did with his eyebrows!
The AGM is winding down and we're getting ready for stage 3 of our trip - Naked in Ridleybank, exposing ourselves to the enemy!
We will run naked through the streets, bringing bouncing beauty and swinging serenity to the heart of darkness that is the 'Bank.
I personally c4nt wait to slap Moloch with a Bollock!
Hold onto that thought Malton, and anything else that springs to mind.
Until next time, this is the Information Minister, de-robing in Roachtown.
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Post by 23skidoo on Apr 18, 2009 9:26:37 GMT -5
It's been a tough week and the Team have taken a pounding. When Ed talked me into the whole 'Naked Truth' expose it seemed like a sterling idea.
'We will battle them in our Birthday Suits' he cried from behind his desk in his air conditioned office.
'They took a couple of inches off my waist' I cried from the ruins of Nichols Mall.
It wasn't pretty, the dead were everywhere, literally, as we had no suits and flak jackets to hide behind. I dont think I've been so violated since I dreamt I'd found the fountain of youth and woke up with Baxter peeing in my mouth. Nasty.
So, in brief, I've pulled my Y-Fronts back up and skirted the edge of the carnage all the way over to South Blythville where we will work on our tans, livers and hair before getting back to the business of The News.
Anyone that says the News Team ran had better belt up before I get shirty with you!
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Post by 23skidoo on May 5, 2009 8:17:19 GMT -5
It may be grim up North as the old timers say but it's looking swell in the South West.
This report comes from the Fone Arms in Foulkes Village, where we've gone over a week without a single intentional discharge. People are actually pulling planks off the windows to let a little light in. Crazy!
We're down here on official business, conducting an interview with Umbrella Corporation before heading off to meet Tricell, the splinter group thats making quite a name for its self up in Beaver Country - Thats Santlerville to all you misguided Sex Tourists!
UC has the possibly unfair reputation of being the money grabbing, mad scientist world dominating, raccoon city raping bastards that started this whole mess and are responsible for the continuing death and undeath of millions.
At Channel 4 we couldn't possibly endorse this opinion but we feel it's our duty to share it with you. Rest assured we'll give these nazis a fair and unbiased say.
So, for now, it's rocking chairs and homemade lemonade in the Village but we'll be on like Donkey Kong real soon.
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Post by 23skidoo on May 18, 2009 8:47:38 GMT -5
We tapped our toes and whittled our spoons but still they wouldn't come....
5 days of waiting for the Corporation and our drinks cabinet was running dry. Trish and Panda were starting to get the wanderlust and Winks had taken to conversing with the art works she was so fond of putting on the wall. The new guy, Moriarty, got gunned down by a hot chick in PVC shorts - lucky bastard.
I knew they were coming, I knew they were secret but what happened next was verging on the ridiculous.
Friday morning, things were fine, as usual. A few locals had contributed to our BBQ and Panda had whipped up his special sauce. I'd just sterilized a skewer and was reaching for the rat when there was a deafening bang and a brainshearing explosion of light. Ultimate darkness descended and I was aware of a small prick in the side of my neck. I wasn't looking for this sort of party was the last thought to leave my mind as I blacked out and presumably hit the floor.
Later (?) I hear voices, muffled and foggy silhouettes moved around my vision and I feel my senses slowly returning.
'Absinthe?' I ask, assuming that things had gotten out of hand again.
'Umbrella Corporation' a voice replies, 'welcome to the Bunker'.
The voice soon gains a face, serious and grim, and a hand is extended in my direction.
'Leon Cane, I hear you want to chat'.
I'm getting too old for this shit I think as I pull my note pad and hip flask out of my pocket....
Dont touch that dial Malton, we'll be back after a quick evangelical break to hear what UC has to say.
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Post by Leon Silverblood on May 21, 2009 2:15:03 GMT -5
Remember the good ole days when they just beat you, threw a sack over your head, took you there, removed the bag, spoke, replaced the bag, beat you, drove you back, beat you, and left?
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Post by Argo on May 29, 2009 21:41:18 GMT -5
No, they always hit the newest people in the head. I can't remember a thing before 2008!
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Post by Noah on Jun 6, 2009 21:54:06 GMT -5
No, they always hit the newest people in the head. I can't remember a thing before 2008! My fault. Last time they trust ME with the neuralizer... |
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