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Post by 23skidoo on Aug 3, 2008 3:08:44 GMT -5
Hard to believe, but true. I've been tramping, talking, drinking, shooting and sleeping my way around this town for over a year now. It's been grim, and at times I was ready to take a nose dive of Beaver Towers. But you guys helped me through the tough stuff in all kinds of ways, and for that I'll always be grateful.
The one just past started with humble beginnings and small expectations. It ended with the passing of Ron and an interview with one of the great movers and shamblers of the day.
I'm not looking to better that, I'm thinking I'll go back to my roots, treading the streets and listening to the beats of the city. Trying to let you know who's up, who's down and who's dancing round the town.
If I can get some big names to chat to me along the way, so much the better. If not, I'll stick to the 'baby belle' buffet and be grateful.
So hopefully the tales will keep coming and your ears will keep bending and the next year will pass in a flash.
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Post by winka on Aug 3, 2008 17:27:06 GMT -5
Fearless ......Information Minister.....impresses, He's a badass and was responsible for urine stains on my pants a number of times in this past year both from laughter and shear terror.
Your personal hair stylist/makeup artist/wardrobe mistress awaits your new adventures filled with anticipation.
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Post by 23skidoo on Aug 14, 2008 9:51:26 GMT -5
Away from the crowds, away from the carnage. It’s been a quiet spell by recent standards but the wolf is never far from the door.
This report comes from the broken town of Molebank, famous mostly for its high concentration of Necrotech offices and giant mole statues that proliferate the parks and cemeteries. I entered the place with guns loaded and hope expended. Would there still be anyone out fighting on the frontiers?
The answer was ‘yes’, primarily a bunch of good folks that go by the name ’10 Minutes From Hell’. My only problem with them was that their collective watches were about 10 minutes slow, other than that this was an impressive outfit. I met with their leader, Lois Millard, who, after checking out my credentials (it’s amazing what I’ll do for a story these days) agreed to let me hang out and do a little brain picking. These guys and galls are like the Gorillas in the Mists of Molebank. They don’t do head on unless they have too, much more a ‘softly softly catchee monkey’ type of operation. Every building I crashed in had a couple of members, every morning I woke up they’d reclaimed another building. And let me tell you, thats no easy fix out here. I spent about 16 hours clearing out one little bar, just to find that the taps were dry. 16 HOURS! A man can father 15 children, play a round of golf and file his tax return in 16 hours, so believe me, the sacrifice they’re making is no small thing.
I got chatting with Taloula Belle for a while, another Dr that knows how to take care of herself. I’m starting to see a pattern forming here, maybe I should have tried med school instead of cocktail school. Anyway, I didn’t make any moves as I’m still naked ,‘cept for the gas mask and helmet,and that can be a little off putting on a first date. Soon as I find some clothes I’m going to find that lady and buy her a nice seafood dinner.
So, if you’re stopping by, be sure and give them 10 Minuters a bit of your time. That it for now, I’m following my nose into Owsleybank to see what’s cooking there. My old Proffesor, Dr Hoffman, used to talk about a man named Owsley, maybe he’s still in town.
Until next time Malton, lock that door and try not to snore!
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Post by 23skidoo on Sept 17, 2008 12:19:26 GMT -5
NEWS TEAM SPECIAL UPDATE!!
It has been a while since we’ve heard from our men in the field. We knew they had dispersed to distill their heroic brand of broadcasting but the sponsors were beginning to worry with the lack of information coming out of Malton.
Well today their wallets can breathe easy as the News Desk was assailed by a collection of horny little ferrets bearing news from a familiar source….
---Brown Horny Ferret Report---
I can’t get a signal!!! How the hell does a man spread the news without a signal?!
These are dilemmas that would flummox mortal men, but to a News Man it’s just a lump in the gravy! Like the marines we learn to improvise, overcome and adapt. And we do it all without crushing our hair with a helmet.
I’ve managed to secure a small family of trainable ferrets that, for a price, are prepared to secrete these messages out to you until I hit a more civilised part of town. Hopefully they wont let me down, although the little grey ones already pissed on the first draft of this report. In future I wont get em drunk till the message is strapped to their back.
If these don’t make it, if the ferrets should fail, don’t change that damn dial. I’ll get you hooked up to the News one way or another.
Now go my furry little friend and try not to fornicate along the way!
---Albino Horny Ferret Report---
Owsleybank was a bust. I’ve haven't seen such abandonment since parents day at one of my kids boarding schools. There is nobody here and it’s getting seriously spooky. Even the dead seem to have given up the ghost and headed for pastures new.
I’ve been sleeping light and drinking heavily and talking to myself more and more. The drunker I get the more interesting shit I learn about myself. I didn’t know my favorite colour was yellow for instance, but my drunken alter ego did. There’s more but this is for a 6 o’clock broadcast and you guys don’t need to know my unrealised thoughts on other subjects – I didn’t need to know my thoughts if I’m honest but what can you do, the drink must be heard!
I’ve trekked up to the Hills, hoping to bump into the marshals of the west, the DHPD, but no dice. If there’s a new sheriff in town he’s mighty small and mighty quiet. It’s all falling apart slowly, buildings crumbling and bottles emptying. Anyone I do meet is too damn suspicious to get close to. I cant really blame them, I’ve been shooting at shadows for days now I’m so yipped up.
Anyway, I’m sending little ‘Whitey’ out on the next mission. He’s just mated with a gerbil, I think…., so he should be able to keep his mind on the job for a while. I’m going to strike out for Caiger next, see if I cant find a damn transistor or phone mast or even just another human that doesn’t drool.
That’s all we’ve got time for tonight folks but we’ll give you more just as soon as we can get these damn things back down our pant legs!
*No ferrets were harmed during this broadcast*
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Post by winka on Sept 18, 2008 23:30:05 GMT -5
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Post by 23skidoo on Sept 24, 2008 6:12:17 GMT -5
Well, we've managed to pry the notes of another couple of our furry friends so here you go....
---3 Legged Ferret Report---
Caiger is Crawling! Sad but true, my one hope of civilized salvation lay in the once proud Mecca of Caiger. What a Crock!
I don't know when this place fell but the dead seem pretty well established. I'm hiding in a ventilation shaft and I can see 2 of them frolicking in the fountain, one chewing on an empty Barstools cup and another reclineing on the massage chair. That one may be really dead. I put a dime in the slot just for fun but he's neither woken up or vibrated his way onto the floor yet.
Last night I saw a rare sight, 2 zombies dancing, cheek to rotten cheek, to a muzakal version of 'Lady in Red'. I was transfixed by their grace and underworldly elegance....untill they waltzed onto the escalator and plummeted to the ground floor in a soggy heap of limbs and loafers.
I need to move on I fear, this shaft is not private enough and eyes will soon uncover me. I'm sending the troglaferret on this mission, his determination should overcome his disability.
Until next time......
---Mutated Ferret with message grafted onto it's spine---
I am the Uber-Ferret!
All 2 Legs will worship at my spine, all 4 legs I take as concubine.
Fear not the dead for they will pass
Fear only the Uber-Ferret that will bite your shiny ass!
My day will come, ferret kind will reign supreme
I am the Uber-Ferret!
Well folks, I don't really know what to make of that last little guy, sure seemed mighty full of himself thats fer sure. Remember now, if Ferrets do take over the world, you heard it at Channel 4 News first!
Hopefully next time we'll get the word straight from the Ministers mouth, untill then hang loose and beware of the goose!
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 6, 2008 15:46:41 GMT -5
Ed told me two things that I bothered to remember during my interview. Never shit a shitter and never fluff a fluffer. Until recently I'd done neither, but now I've got a confession to make....
The ferrets were fake, even the Uber Ferret. I made em up. I got drunk, I got laid, I got lazy. The news desk was carping on about a lack of decent stories and a shrinking tolerance for unprofessional behavior. I panicked and faked the ferret tales and for that I am sorry.
But the news now is as real as the scotch in rons belly. Big things are afoot, changes are brewing and most importantly, The Conch Has Been Sounded!!
Where we floundered and wandered we now stride in manly and purposeful directions!
Where we dwindled and shrank like the cold water on the male genitals our ranks now rise and swell with fresh blood and talent!
This is the New News Team, much like the old Team only this time we have the Ron Burgundy Memorial Lounge to fall back to. Where we go from hear only Odin knows, but I can feel his boozy breath pushing us onward to new glories and big stories!
For now the fight is in Scarletwood, we stand shoulder to shoulder with the Angels and the Garniss Border Patrol, in savage conditions against the mighty Militant Order of Barhah. And we're smacking them right in the keeshter!
So if the news has got you riled, if your pants are getting tight, then ask not what the News Team can do for You, but what YOU can do for the News Team!
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 14, 2008 14:56:23 GMT -5
Scarletwood got nasty. We tried, god knows we tried. But they were too many and we were too few. In our praise it must be said that the Angell Building was the last to fall and the News Team where there to cover the angles.
We have scattered to the surrounding areas to regroup and take stock. Our supplies were low but morale, as always, remained high.
From the relative safety of the drugs cupboard I've locked myself into I'm going to have to smack you up with a bunch of news.
First off, welcome to 2 of our newest members, Salamanca and Trisha Takanawa. Salamanca cut his teeth on the Spanish News Channel, has beat Franco twice at mud wrestling and can drink his cervezas from over 13 different parts of his body. I've seen him do 8 but I passed out when he pronounced the 'Elephant' was up next. Trisha is our new Asia correspondent. She wears the Kilt, traditional Asian dress, and has been known to kill interviewees when she didn't like their answers. I like her, I think it would be wise for all of us to like her...and not question the roots of her 'Asian' Kilt.
Finally, in a shock move, Ed Harken told me that as the 'zombie' situation didn't seem to be easing, the suits decided we should have a permanent base in Malton. The ink is barely dry on the contract that has secured Beaver Towers in Havercroft as the new home of the News Team. This is big folks. The decorators should be finished any day now so we'll need to get in there fast before the squatters and librarians make a mess of the place.
For now, it's a drug cupboard with soon to be empty shelves. But by the end of the week, a corner office with a deep shag on the floor, a darts board on the wall and an Italian leather chair under my ass!
Till then, stay drunk and don't be no punk!
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Post by 23skidoo on Oct 21, 2008 9:48:23 GMT -5
I think Ed's gonna get his ass sued by the trading standards. Beaver Towers is worse than a meth lab in Compton thats been funded by the taliban. It doesn't help that Havercroft itself is in a mess. Nothings standing except the dead.
We did try,Winka took a mop over the place but ended up using it as a skewer as 3 zombies made a move on her. Tova brought a stuffed bear but had to hide inside it when the place was savaged by yet another horde. I poked my head around the broken doors and decided I'd be better off on the street than in that whorehouse of death.
So for now we're strategically spread out until the situation improves and the furniture can be delivered without threat to the drivers.
In other news, Tova, Newhill and Salamanca are off to cover one of the darker sides of Malton life. For now we need to keep it hush-hush but the full story will be broadcast blow by bloody blow soon.
Nickolay sends news from Yagaton where the Rangers, and others,have managed to bring some stability to Bale Mall and the Style NT.
Stay tuned or we'll date your daughters!
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Post by blanemcc on Oct 26, 2008 4:32:30 GMT -5
A quick word to the wise for Tova, Newhill and Salamanca. Have your radio's set to 26.16 to hear a lovely little poem about an hour before things kick off.
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Post by 23skidoo on Nov 4, 2008 13:17:08 GMT -5
We'll be doing a full round up on the aforementioned savage slaughter shortly, but for now, here's a quick update on the comings and goings of the classiest group in Malton*.
Maltons drunkenest group, the Rangers, came by to bring office warming presents last week. As well as pot plants, bar stools and 3 french hens they also supplied us with death squads and a functional mall. Much appreciated guys, if you ever need anything from us, just holler.
Winks has been out in the field, gathering shoes, dresses and death in equal measure. If you're dead and wearing Prada beware, she doesn't shop by the rules!
Some of us are now gathering around Ridleybank for a 5th of November to remember, although they say that if you remember Blackmore you weren't there, so thats a doozy. Yup, history must be repeated and with that in mind it's time for much mocking and slaying of the RRF. Come along if you can and dont forget to dress to impress. I personally retook the Kersley Mansion in Stanbury to ensure that a good supply of evening wear was available.
In other news, the race for the Presidential Erection is almost over. After the final round of Poll Dancing Rumplestiltskin has moved ahead by two inches while McCain is starting to look decidedly flaccid. More on the climax of that race later.
That's all for now, just remember kids that fireworks are dangerous, but not as much as rabid lions or religeous extremists.
*20 out of 8 people asked agreed that we are the classiest - thats science!
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Post by 23skidoo on Nov 5, 2008 16:17:51 GMT -5
This ones coming live from the Blackmore Building, the scene of a glorious charge of Rangers and Newsmen. There was zombies to the left of us, there was zombies to the right of us. There was zombies by the door and more beneath the floor. We did not stop, we did not falter, we lit up their darkness with the righteous light of muzzle flash and slashed their numbers by a third. Most of the Rangers have fallen back to safety, for this battle is not yet ended. But I and 3 others have decided to stay, light a fire, drink scotch and show the savage masses some civility. I think we may fall beneath their claws before the night is out but we will make them pay for every limb and organ they take from us. For now they cower in the corners, afraid to face our noble gaze, but soon the hunger will be upon them and then they will be upon us. But we have scotch and truth on our side and we shall not be afraid!
For Honour, for Glory, for Ron!
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Post by Lord Wulfgar on Nov 12, 2008 2:39:28 GMT -5
*browses recent entries*
A pleasure to read, so much more entertaining then the Sunday paper.
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Post by 23skidoo on Dec 1, 2008 18:01:18 GMT -5
Things have been a little hectic of late and I've been dead a lot more than I'm comfy with. But before my recent turn as a corpse I met up with an interesting guy in the lobby of Beaver Towers.
Haliman is the current leader of a group called UBCS, a tough bunch of hombres whose motto, 'Preserve through Trust' is very close to our own Brian Fantana's, 'Preserve in Musk'.
Haliman was looking for a little publicity for him and his munchachos and who better than the News Team to provide it. I sent him into the green room and told him the Winka would 'prepare' him for our chat. I think he was a little disappointed when he realized we were just talking hair and make up!
She did what she could with what he had, the clothes were okay but his hair hadn't seen a bottle of conditioner since Jesus dropped his cross. So we settled down in our leather chairs with a couple of drinks and got down to business.
'Haliman, welcome to Channel 4, please ignore the mess and the twisted claws trying to beat their way in. Fans are a bitch, I'm telling you. Now, tell me a little about your current group, it's numbers and aims.'
'I founded the UBCS near the end of September. Ever since then, we have been a prominent and growing band of brothers. Our aims? Protect survivors as a whole. We have gone as far as Havercroft to answer the call. We are currently based in Santlerville.'
'Santlerville eh? Thats Dribbling Beaver country if I'm not mistaken, a finer bunch of drunks I've yet to meet. You mention a 'soiled reputation'. Sounds juicy, what the hell did you do to get a bad name in this town?!?'
'That's something I'd rather not go into right now. Unlike the dead, the past at least should have the decency to stay buried!'
'Thats okay son, this isn't a stitch up operation like Mantooth runs over at Channel 2, a mans got to have secrets otherwise we'd all be in jail! Moving on, what do you feel is your finest moment in Malton so far, and, for parity, your worst.'
'My finest moment? One time when I was in Umbrella, I suppose. The day I led Omega Platoon into Ridleybank, and made it green. A huge memory (albeit a short one.) The following Nichols Mall siege would be a close second. I had a hand in gathering multiple allies there. As for my worst, I'd rather not talk about her.'
'Anybody that gets all 'Gary Owen' in Ridleybank gets my vote, and as for the other thing, well we've all been there before. You have much in common with many of the denizens of Malton. You are not a 'legend', no offense, but you continue to fight, to help and to generally get involved. What's your motivation? What gets you out of bed in the afternoon?'
'No offense taken. Why do I fight you ask? I fight because I love this game. I have been here since late 06', and I plan on being around for a fairly long time. My motivation? Everyone in the UBCS. Every survivor. Every zombie. I am striving to leave my mark on this city, and to do that, I gotta be motivated. As for what get's me outta bed, it's usually the moaning and the groaning outside of my window.'
'That does it for most of us I guess. And on the same theme, Scotch or Vodka? You will be judged on your answer but I'll try not to hold it against you.'
'Scotch, of course. Have you any more.....?'
'Sure thing, whats the point in hands if they aren't holding a full glass of the good stuff. Now, you told me earlier that you fought with Ron. Can you still remember the smell of him?'
'Like it was yesterday! I couldn't see him at first, but I heard his flute orchestrating of the battle. I didn't smell him so much as be assaulted by his scent, in a good way. I felt as though a jet black cougar had exploded out of the jungle and sprayed me with sweet heady love. He really smelled good didn't he.'
'No doubt about it my friend, he used to bathe in the sweat glands of Odin and roll himself dry in fields of hairy women. But I digress, back to the interview. As a News Team we roam this city from top to bottom. It seems now more than ever that decay and disarray are the rulers of Malton. What are your feelings on the state of the town?'
'Humanity has overcome The Dead, the largest horde in Maltons history. They sent us in a downward spiral much quicker than we are right now. I think, no. I know, that with careful planning by the survivors, we will overcome the undead menace.'
'Positive thinking indeed, although I think we should leave the careful planning to those less inebriated than ourselves.'
'So that's it, thank you for taking the time to chat and please help yourself to the complimentary buffet. This has been the Information Minister, bringing you the voice of the people, for Channel 4 News!'
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Post by 23skidoo on Dec 9, 2008 11:33:17 GMT -5
Life teaches you many lessons, some cruel and painful, others even worse.
At school they taught me the 3 R's, which was crazy as only one of them started with that letter.
When I got to San Diego Ron and the News Team taught me the 3 W's - Whiskey, Women and Winging It, not necessarily in that order. It was a way to live, and eventually die, and I plan on sticking to it to the sozzled end!
Malton also teaches us a lesson, united or divided we fall, but it's a far funnier scene when we fall together. With that in mind the mighty New Malton Colossus and it's many friends is rolling out across the city in a giant snowball of song, honour and glorious fortitude, bringing yule-time joy to the disbanded, abandoned and forlorn of the town.
If you see the snowball, do not fear it's pointy edges, just jump in and be absorbed. If you hear it rumbling through your nape of the woods then run to it and throw yourself in its path. Together we will cut a path of love through Malton, wielding our axes of hope and shotguns of humour.
The dead wont know what hit them!
Thats it for now, stay tuned and stay classy Malton!
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